


find us on splotify or wherever you get your podcasts

by kosy



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: Banter, Dialogue-Only, Dramatic Irony, Gen, Podcast, Season 1-Season 7, Sports, Transcript Format, what if. in-universe blaseball podcast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29210289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosy/pseuds/kosy
Summary: CHELSEA: The Pies? You think thePiesare gonna win?MARK: I mean—sure! I don’t know, man, you’ve seen the stats pages, they’ve got a solid pitching staff and a pretty good lineup. Seriously, they’re a good bet.CHELSEA: You're so boring it kills me a little sometimes.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 25





	find us on splotify or wherever you get your podcasts

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! i just think that thinking about in-universe fans of Our Favorite Splort is fun. warning for oblique references to in-game violence and character death, et cetera, plus maincord-prohibited swearing and in-universe discourse. enjoy!! :D

**SPLORTS TALK: PREGAMING PRESEASON**

**EPISODE ONE (0:01)**

MARK _(very close to the mic)_ : Is this thing on? 

CHELSEA: Nope, bad start, try again. We aren’t starting the whole podcast like that. 

MARK _(grinning)_ : But _is_ it on? 

CHELSEA: Of course it’s on. I checked, like, eight times. 

MARK: Well, good! Just wondering!

CHELSEA: _Anyway._ I’m Chelsea Gallegos and this is Mark Davies and you’re listening to the inaugural episode of Splorts Talk— 

MARK: Absolutely _inspired_ title, by the way— 

CHELSEA: I regret to inform anyone listening that that title was the best name that _either_ of us could come up with for this, so you can’t pin it on just me. But, yeah, this is Splorts Talk, the podcast where we talk about blaseball. 

_(Brief intro theme song plays. Indistinct garage rock-y instrumentals, no lyrics.)_

Soooo, what’s blaseball, Mark? 

MARK: I’m _so_ glad you asked, Chels! _(CHELSEA snorts.)_ Blaseball is the world’s newest oldest sport! Or, like, splort, I guess. That’s what everyone’s calling it. Are we gonna keep adding Ls to things now? Is that the bit? 

CHELSEA: From what I’ve seen? That is _absolutely_ the bit. 

MARK: Okay, so it’s the world’s newest oldest splort, with an L. Basically, a bunch of archaeologists or whatever found some ten thousand year old stone tablets in some desert somewhere, and they were covered with written rules for a splort that apparently came into existence at the same time as Humanity Itself, TM. And, for some genuinely baffling reason, everybody decided “hey, we should DEFINITELY try to play this splort that FOR SURE is not an ancient curse so no worries—”  
  


CHELSEA: Dude, “no worries”? I am one _hundred_ percent sure this is an ancient curse that will go horribly wrong. Like, that’s why I wanna see it get played. 

MARK: Terrible. Sadistic. Those are _people_ in there, Chelsea. 

CHELSEA: No no for sure! I’m just saying I _def_ wasn’t a sports-slash-splorts person before I thought I would maybe see some wild shit on the field. 

MARK: I really can’t emphasize enough how much I don’t want to see wild shit. _I_ just think it’s cool enough that humanity is coming together to— 

CHELSEA: Mark. Don’t lie to our listeners. You weren’t a splorts person until now either. We have both spent hours obsessively researching this. You wanna see some wild shit. 

MARK: _(Heavy sigh.)_ Yeah. I wanna see some wild shit. 

CHELSEA: So that’s what we’re here for! To explain and discuss the wild shit. And we hope you’ll come along with us!

**SPLORTS TALK: PREGAMING PRESEASON**

**EPISODE FIVE (49:57)**

MARK: Alright, so that _just_ about wraps up the final episode before the first game— 

CHELSEA: Mark, I get that you’ve been the self-designated Explainer as far as this goes, but do you understand the rules at this point? Be honest. 

MARK: Of course I do! You know the amount of research I’ve been doing! 

CHELSEA: Yeah, dude, I’ve been researching too and I’ve even been listening when you talk for once, but half this shit is incomprehensible. 

MARK: Yeah, that’ll happen when you try to translate a rulebook from partially-worn-away stone tablets. And I mostly get it! But also, like, I’m personally amazed people even figured out how to pitch. I’ve seen the diagrams and between you, me, and our audience, those things are borderline meaningless. 

CHELSEA: It is _(sighs)_ actually very cool that people have worked this out, yeah. 

MARK: See! This is fun! Ooooh, wait, before we sign off, I want to have something to argue about for the season—

CHELSEA: Mark, bud, do _not_ even worry about it. I’ll argue with you about anything. 

MARK: I know, but like—bits. Running bits. Like, uh—my money’s on the Pies this season. 

CHELSEA: The _Pies?_ You think the _Pies_ are gonna win? 

MARK: Sure! I don’t know, man, you’ve seen the stats pages, they’ve got a solid pitching staff and a pretty good lineup. Seriously, they’re a good bet. 

CHELSEA: You're so boring it kills me a little sometimes.

MARK: Fine then. Go ahead, Chels, which team is _your_ championship pick? 

_(Pause.)_

CHELSEA: Okay, so here’s the thing—

MARK: Oh, here we go—

CHELSEA: _HERE’S THE THING,_ I _know_ you’re gonna make fun of me for this because we hashed it out before we started recording—

MARK _(deadpan)_ : Oh no, you’re taking away the spur-of-the-moment charm of our beautiful podcast. We’ll never be trusted by our listeners again.

CHELSEA: Well we _did_ hash it out and I already know what you’re gonna say—

MARK _(audibly grinning)_ : So just say it, Chelsea. 

CHELSEA: Ugh, _fuck_ you, my pick’s the Seattle Garages. 

MARK _(delightedly)_ : The GARAGES? 

CHELSEA: I mean! Sure! Like—

MARK: Chels, you’re a great friend and I have nothing but the utmost affection and respect for you, but I would be fucking astounded if the Garages finished anywhere other than the bottom third of the league this season. And that’s being _generous._

CHELSEA: But okay, Mark, here’s the thing: they’ve got Jaylen Hotdogfingers. 

_(Pause.)_

MARK: So here’s the part where you all get to learn that my esteemed cohost has this hilarious parasocial crush on J-Hot— 

CHELSEA: It’s not a—don’t be _weird,_ Mark, she’s just a _really good_ pitcher. Though I would like to have her on as a guest host someday. But like, she’s got four stars, which is insane, and—

MARK: Oh my God, Chels, you don’t have to defend her, she isn’t gonna f—and yeah, she’s _A_ really good pitcher! _ONE_ PITCHER! SINGULAR! One pitcher can’t save a shitty team no matter _how_ good they are! She can’t carry the Garages to the playoffs on her back! She plays once every five games! Even worse, she’s in the fifth position on the rotation, so she’s only gonna get nineteen games a season instead of twenty like everyone else! That’s _nothing!_ Seriously, like, she’s wasted on the Garages, outside of her they literally just don’t have the star power to justify— 

CHELSEA: _My_ esteemed cohost has very strong opinions on this, apparently. 

MARK: _UGH!_

CHELSEA _(self-satisfied)_ : Anyway, yeah, that’s my championship pick. 

MARK: _(Deep breath. Then, very carefully measured:)_ Okay. So. Let’s just pretend the Garages, for whatever reason—couldn’t say what that’d be—don’t make it to the playoffs. Who’s your second pick? 

CHELSEA: No, I’m sticking with the Garages. 

MARK: Chelsea, I’m trying to throw you a fuckin’ rope here— 

CHELSEA: Alright, fine! Second pick: the Baltimore Crabs. I think they’re gonna do it.

MARK: Oh my _God._

CHELSEA: What can I say! I love a good underdog! 

MARK: Yeah, I—no _shit!_ Oh my god, the _Crabs?_

CHELSEA: Why not? 

MARK: Because—Chels, holy shit, have you seen their stats? Actually, no, different question: who’s their best batter? 

CHELSEA: I don’t know, Mark, who _is_ their best batter? 

MARK: Well I’ll tell you right now! _(Frantic typing noises. Pause.)_ Sutton Dreamy. 

CHELSEA: ...Sutton Dreamy? 

MARK: Sutton Dreamy. Also Valentine Games. And Kennedy Loser. And, uh, Forrest Best. And also Joshua Watson. 

CHELSEA: Hm. Well—

MARK: You know why that is, Chelsea? They’re all tied. At _two batting stars._

CHELSEA: Wow, that’s terrible! Just the worst! Thank you _so_ much for this, Mark, I’ve decided I _love_ the Crabs. Can I change my championship pick to them? 

MARK: God. Okay, I’ll make you a deal—this team is so so awful, Chels, I’m tearing up just looking at these numbers, how the _fuck_ do they have a zero star pitcher—I gotta make you a deal. If the Crabs win one championship in the next _decade,_ just _one,_ I will run ass naked through Times Square. 

CHELSEA: Ew. I’ll hold you to that. 

MARK: Good. We have to keep our journalistic integrity _some_ how.

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON ONE**

**EPISODE SIX (24:34)**

CHELSEA: I _told_ you I was right about J-Hot, dude, she’s won something like eighty percent of her games so far— 

MARK: Fine, fine, I get it, but the Garages as a whole team haven’t had a win-loss record above .500 since, like, game twelve. 

CHELSEA: Oh, whatever. So maybe they’re not making the playoffs—

MARK: _Thank_ you— 

CHELSEA: But I was right that J-Hot’s something special. 

MARK: ...Yeah, but that wasn’t, like, disputed. She’s barely even the Garages’ star pitcher anymore, she’s the whole fuckin’ Internet League’s star. 

CHELSEA: Guess so, huh? Weird how that happens with some of ‘em. Like, JessTel barely feels like a Steaks batter. She’s everyone’s. 

MARK: The second we start referring to these people as public domain— 

CHELSEA: Yeah, yeah, I know. They aren’t anybody’s, they’re their own people, not the fans’, et cetera et cetera. But you know what I mean. 

MARK: So MVP picks—you’re thinkin’ Aitch-Dee-Eff and JessTel? 

CHELSEA: I mean, it’s nothing revolutionary, but. Oooooh, maybe we really _could_ get HDF on the podcast if we picked her. Our first guest star!

MARK: No, it makes sense. And Chels, I love you, but I guarantee she doesn’t have the free time. Also “hey, do you wanna guest star on my podcast”? _Really_ bad pickup line.

CHELSEA: Yeah, I’d bet you’d know. _(MARK audibly rolls his eyes.)_ And re: MVPs, there’s really no way to know until the whole season’s over, but— 

MARK: Buuuuut yeah, those’re pretty fair bets. I’m probably gonna go with someone off the Pies or the Tigers, but—

CHELSEA: Just some rando? Ugh, you hipster. Sometime’s the majority’s right, y’know. 

MARK: Yeah, but it seems like the current majority’s voting to open the Forbidden Book, so— 

CHELSEA: It’ll be _fun,_ Mark. Plus, we all came here hoping to see some wild shit. Why _wouldn’t_ we open the Forbidden Book?

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON ONE**

**EPISODE ELEVEN (CHAMPIONSHIP GAME LIVE REACTION!) (2:02:38)**

MARK: Fuck. The broadcast’s breaking up over here— 

CHELSEA: Yeah, here too. Uh. Hold on, everyone— 

MARK: Gotta say, I’m not a fan of the, uh, lag. Or the general visual distortions here on my screen. 

CHELSEA: Wait! Wait, I think it’s clearing up. Hang on. Did we— 

MARK: For anybody listening to this later on at home, the live footage of the final game started breaking up right after the Pies scored the final run. The players from all the teams ran out onto the field, and I’m sure it woulda been real heartwarming, but— 

CHELSEA: Then the feed went all fucky, yeah. It’s starting to look a little better now, but it looks like—uh— 

MARK: Holy shit, the sun is fucking gone. 

CHELSEA: ...yeah, it super is. _(Pause.)_ Well— 

MARK: Oh, I can’t—can you read the thing on the, uh, the scoreboard screen? The— 

CHELSEA: Yeah, it’s. “‘Open the Forbidden Book’ has passed with 61% of the vote.” Okay, _hell_ yeah— 

MARK: Wait wait wait, there’s more text. 

CHELSEA: Hang on, I’m fuckin’ getting there. “The Book Opens. Solar Eclipse”—yeah no shit. “Umpires’ eyes turn white. Star player Jaylen Hotdogfingers is—” _(Nervous laughter.)_ What the fuck? 

MARK: Chelsea, I can’t _read_ it. You have to tell me what’s going on.

CHELSEA: Mark, what the fuck. It says—it says, “Star player Jaylen Hotdogfingers is incinerated.” I— _(She gasps.)_ Oh my G—did you see that? Did you—?

MARK: _(Sharp inhale.)_ Again, for anybody not watching this: okay, I could be wrong, it’s still kinda fuzzy on my screen, but it looks like someth—some _one_ caught fire on the pitching mound. I can, uh, I can hear screaming through my headphones and everyone’s backing away from what I’m pretty sure are flames. It just looked like a bright flash from this camera, but— 

CHELSEA: Jesus Christ. _(Getting louder.)_ “Incinerated”? Just for—what, us opening the Book and her being a fucking star player? I don’t— 

MARK: What’s the rest of the message on the scoreboard?

CHELSEA: …”The Book Opens. Solar Eclipse. Umpires’ eyes turn white. Star player Jaylen Hotdogfingers is incinerated. Hellmouth swallows the Moab Desert.” And, uh, then in all caps: “THE DISCIPLINE ERA BEGINS.”

MARK: Okay. Well. 

CHELSEA: Alright. Let’s. See where this takes us. 

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON TWO**

**RETROSPECTIVE (0:01)**

CHELSEA: This is SO much to unpack. 

MARK: You’re the one who voted for the Forbidden Book last year! I literally do not know what you expected! 

  
CHELSEA: NOT SEVENTEEN DEATHS IN ONE SEASON! THAT’S FOR SURE! AND YOU VOTED FOR IT TOO! LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME YOU SAW THAT ONE COMING, MARK! 

MARK: Shut up. 

CHELSEA: BAD NEWS, BITCH! THIS IS A TALK SHOW! I _CAN’T!_

MARK: GREAT vibes in the studio this afternoon, folks. 

CHELSEA: _Ugh._

MARK: If you’re our sponsor and you’re listening to this: sorry. 

CHELSEA: Anyway, go use our discount code with HelloFlesh—

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON THREE**

**EPISODE NINE (50:03)**

CHELSEA: Oh shit, before we go—I almost forgot. New Garages incin yesterday. Game eighty. I didn’t even notice. I don’t think even the _cameras_ caught it, tee bee aitch.

MARK: For real? That makes it, what, four hit this season?

CHELSEA: Yeowch. Wonder who it was. It’d be fucked up if Cash’s replacement got rekt this fast— 

MARK: ‘M checking now and nah, it wasn’t Gwiffin. It’s some guy named Derrick. 

CHELSEA: Derrick? 

MARK: Yeah, Derrick, uh—Derrick Krueger?

CHELSEA: Huh. Never heard of him. 

MARK: Oh thank God, me neither. He was even a pitcher, apparently! The dude who replaced J-Hot. Wild. _(Very brief moment of silence.)_ Anyway, wanna hear about his replacement? Some guy named Henry Marshmallow—

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON THREE**

**EPISODE ONE (13:12)**

CHELSEA: We’re sorry this week’s episode is late, by the way. 

MARK: _I’m_ not. 

CHELSEA _(warning)_ : Mark…

MARK: Look, okay, it’s not MY fault Tame the Tigers is absolute bullshit! I can’t fucking believe that’s even an option the gods considered as a decree and I don’t—

CHELSEA: This is why we had to delete the entire first recording session! This shit! Right here! We get it! Tame the Tigers sucks for you, a Tigers fan! I understand! The exact same decree was an option last season for the Pies, and that was totally cool with you! I also understand that! You moved on from the Pies after season one! Team biases exist! Can we talk about the other blessings and decrees for season four? Or the three games that have already fucking happened because, again, this episode is _late?_ Please? _Please,_ Mark? 

MARK: Fine! God! Let’s talk about feedback weather! I thought peanut weather and bird weather on top of solar eclipses were enough, but what the hell is going on with feedback? 

CHELSEA: THANK you! Holy shit! Feedback weather is wild and I’ve been dying to discuss it! It sucks to watch and the audio is horrible! What does that shit even DO? 

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON FOUR**

**EPISODE THIRTEEN (POSTSEASON EPISODE TWO) (40:39)**

MARK: All I’m saying is that Nagomi is the obvious—and I mean _obvious_ —MVP pick. Like, if you’re at all invested in stlats—actually, if you’re at all paying any attention to the goddamn games, like, if your eyes are open when the players are on the field and you’re _looking_ —you _know_ she’s the best hitter in the league by pretty much every possible metric— 

CHELSEA: Listen, man, I respect you, but we have this argument every goddamn time your “best overall player” shit comes up and I’m _still_ JessTel ‘til the day I die. 

MARK: Yeah, but the thing about Nagomi is that they aren’t—hm. Actually, I might n—

CHELSEA: No, no! Go ahead, Mark! Say what you wanna say! Insult Jessica _fucking_ Telephone in the immortal audio format to be played and replayed until the heat death of the universe! See how that one goes down!

MARK: I’ve been Twitter cancelled enough, I think. 

CHELSEA: Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

MARK: ...Maybe we can get J-Hot on here to guest host next week. See who _she_ thinks the best hitter in the league is. 

CHELSEA _(laughing)_ : God, Mark, let the joke _die._ I _get_ it. 

MARK: Haha. “Let it die.” Just like Jayle—

CHELSEA: Oh my God, noooooooooooooo, you can’t _say_ that—

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON FOUR**

**RETROSPECTIVE (0:05)**

CHELSEA: ….Hey Mark? 

MARK: Yeah, Chelsea? 

CHELSEA: I have _completely_ lost the fucking plot. _(MARK cackles.)_ Oh, like _you_ haven’t! I mean what th— _alternate reality players?_ I couldn’t keep track of the players from _this_ reality! One of these new motherfuckers is a _whole catboy!_

MARK: That’s what you’re focusing on? The fact that the new Malik Destiny is a catboy? Wait, before we keep going, what’s better—Nyalik Destiny or Meowlik Destiny? 

CHELSEA: Those both suck. As jokes but also like, morally and spiritually and emotionally. I feel drained on every level just after hearing you say that. 

MARK: Thanks. 

CHELSEA: And anyway, I have to focus on something concrete or I’m gonna _lose_ it, Mark. 

MARK: Ooooooh, did you hear there’s gonna be a new form of weather next year? Rrrrrrrreverb! 

CHELSEA: Of course there is.

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON FIVE**

**EPISODE NINE (15:20)**

MARK: Okay, just from a stlats perspective, reverb weather is driving me insane. The havoc it wreaked on the Tacos’ _entire team_ is—

CHELSEA: Good! It’s what you fuckin’ stlats nerds deserve! 

MARK: Whatever! Whatever! At least they managed to speedrun partytime. I’m proud of them.

CHELSEA: Failing as fast and as hard as possible… yeah, I’d imagine you’d find a certain kinship with them in that sense. 

MARK: Oh, fuck off. 

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON FIVE**

**RETROSPECTIVE (7:24)**

CHELSEA: And WHAT did I tell you about the Crabs! WHAT did I fuckin’ tell you! 

MARK: Okay, calm down, Chels, they haven’t won jack _shit_ yet— 

CHELSEA: Except for the four best blessings on the market this year! God, look at Nagomi’s FK stats, I feel fucking GIDDY— 

MARK: No, no, she got swapped to the Jands, remember? 

CHELSEA: You hear that, everyone? Mark’s a fuckin’ spoilsport, he has no idea what _fun_ is— 

MARK _(laughing)_ : She’s on the Jands now, Chelsea! I don’t know what to tell you! 

CHELSEA: Whatever, man, Loser and Davids and Best got hit with Falling Stars too. _And_ they got the Horde Hallucinations blessing, _and_ Rollback, _and_ Pitch from the Plate— 

MARK: God, I hate Crabs fans. 

CHELSEA: Cranky because Crabs Good, Mark? 

MARK: I’m not answering that. 

CHELSEA: Cranky because they’re going to absolutely _kick ass_ next year and you’re going to have to—actually, roll the clip, season one episode three, let’s get it straight from the idiot’s mouth: 

MARK _(from episode three)_ : I gotta make you a deal. If the Crabs win one championship in the next decade, just _one_ , I will run ass naked through Times Square. 

CHELSEA _(triumphantly)_ : You’re going to have to edit that in, Mark! That’s you! You said that!

MARK: Fine. Whatever. I will. I’m a man of honor. But you at least have to admit that Nagomi’s the best hitter in the league now. 

CHELSEA: With pride! Obviously! We’re going to get her back next season anyway! 

MARK: I’m in hell. 

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON SIX**

**EPISODE TWO (0:01)**

MARK: So. 

CHELSEA: So. 

MARK: Necromancy. Thoughts? 

CHELSEA: In favor. Obviously. _Hello?_ Is that even a _question,_ Mark?

MARK: Well, it was worth asking. I don’t think it’s going to _work,_ for the record, but—

CHELSEA: No, dude, seriously, do you know what this means if we pull this off? If we manage to keep J-Hot in fourteenth spot when the blessing rolls out? 

MARK: What does it mean, Chels? 

CHELSEA: Jaylen Hotdogfingers Splorts Talk Guest Host Real. 

MARK: ...Holy shit.

CHELSEA: I mean, _absolutely_ other stuff—like, spitting in the face of the gods, and doing some wild shit that is objectively sick as hell, and bringing back the first victim of the Discipline Era, which is all super cool and good—but like…. J-Hot on our podcast. Imagine it.

MARK: You hear that, folks? Keep HDF at fourteen and we can get her on here probably there’s a chance maybe I don’t know we’ll see. And also maybe if we hit our Platreon goal. You should definitely donate to our Platreon too. 

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON SIX**

**RETROSPECTIVE (1:30)**

CHELSEA: I can’t believe Mark chickened out of the Times Square thing. 

MARK: I didn’t want to get _arrested,_ Chels. 

  
CHELSEA: Not my fault the Crabs swept the entire postseason. Coward. 

MARK: Yeah! A coward and proud! God! I’m _not doing it!_

CHELSEA: What if they Ascend? 

MARK: They won’t fucking do that, and even if by some miracle this season’s performance _wasn’t_ a fluke and they did manage to Ascend without getting hacked down by up-and-comers like the Pies and Tigers did, the answer is _still_ no. 

CHELSEA: You’re wrong and your opinions suck. Okay, look, if you’re not gonna streak, you at least have to say it with me: Crabs Good. 

MARK _(sighing heavily)_ : Crabs Good. 

CHELSEA: Somebody clip that, I need it to live forever in the Splorts Talk Hall of Flame which doesn’t exist yet but should just for this. Also, hah, we _did_ get Mcdaniel back on the Crabs. And also J-Hot. From the _dead._

MARK: Kind of a losing season for me in general, yeah. 

CHELSEA: I’d say one of our fans should edit together a compilation of shit I’ve been right about that you’ve been super wrong about, but the issue with that compilation is that it’d be _so_ long I just don’t know if any earthly editing program could handle the str—

MARK: Well, you didn’t see Mike Townsend coming. Or, like. Going. I guess.

CHELSEA: Ugh, don’t, that was just sad. 

MARK: But hey! J-Hot’s back, baby! This next season is gonna be the BEST! 

**SPLORTS TALK: SEASON SEVEN**

**EPISODE EIGHT UNRELEASED VER. THREE (0:01)**

MARK: No murder discourse. No murder discourse. No murder discourse. No murder disc—

CHELSEA: I’m just _saying—_

MARK: Chelsea, if you start murder discourse, I’m just going to restart the recording. Again.

CHELSEA: I’m _just! Saying!_ That in a splort where you can quite literally _drink somebody else’s blood_ in order to maybe _throw a ball_ better, it’s not super morally abhorrent to make people a little more likely to die if it means you get to live! 

MARK: Oh my God, you can’t just— 

CHELSEA: No ethical consumption under capitalism! We’ve all been in bad contracts before! 

MARK: J-HOT IS IN NO WAY A VICTIM HERE! 

CHELSEA: Oh I’m not saying she is. I’m just justifying her choices maybe. 

MARK: ...Jesus Christ, you think this is, like, _cool,_ don’t you? 

CHELSEA: Well I wouldn’t go so far as to say th—

MARK: You still want her as a guest host huh. 

CHELSEA: I mean. Yeah. I’d be a little worried about her throwing a fucked up undead fastball at my head, but—

MARK: Do You Think Jaylen Hotdogfingers Effectively Utilized Girl Power When She Murdered Sebastian Telephone? 

CHELSEA: Absolutely. Next question.

MARK: _GOD!_ Dude, Jessica Telephone _just_ got unshelled— 

CHELSEA: Yikes. Forgot about that. Sorry JessTel. Actually, maybe don’t post this one Mark—

MARK _(muffled. Maybe his face is in his hands. Who’s to say, really)_ : I wasn’t going to. 

CHELSEA: Though to be fair. It’s going to be very hard to avoid discourse in general from here on out. What with the murder. And the Snackrifice. And th—

MARK _(still muffled)_ : I know. 

CHELSEA: I love it here. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading!! feel free to find me on tumblr @fourteenthidol if you want to see more blaseball-related stuff from me, and if you want to leave a comment that'd make my day!


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